


Give Me Your Absence

by TriplePirouette



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-13
Updated: 2012-11-13
Packaged: 2017-11-18 14:32:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/562099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriplePirouette/pseuds/TriplePirouette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place right after the last scene of Emily. MSR</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me Your Absence

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted on April 16, 1998 under a different name. I have since changed to Triple Pirouette and I am posting for archival purposes and have not edited or otherwise changed anything about this story since then, including the rest of the author notes. -3P
> 
> This is my first post here so I hope it works. Please tell me if this  
> gets through. THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN POSTED TO ATXC AND GOSSAMER through  
> the list XFCreative. Any other forewarding is fine, just please tell me  
> where it goes. Thanks. 
> 
> Disclaimer - Well, Duh, they don't belong to me. They do, however,  
> belong to Big Surfer Dude CC, 1013, and FBN. No infringement intended.  
> The songs The Child is Gone and Never is a Promise belong to Fiona Apple  
> and are off her album Tidal. Also a quick mention of a song that belongs  
> to another wonderful singer, Celine Dion. All songs mentioned belong to  
> their respective artists and are only meant to be enjoyed. 
> 
> Rating - oh, maybe G, nothing bad at all.
> 
> Spoilers - Up to and including Emily; takes place right after the last  
> scene of that episode. 
> 
> Classification - borderline MSR
> 
> Notes-This is the first story I'm posting, I'd love some constructive  
> criticism and advice on posting on the net. All CONSTRUCTIVE criticism  
> can be sent to me. No flames please. Let me know what you  
> think.
> 
> Distribute - Please gain my permission before forwarding to specialty  
> archives. Please foreword to a.t.x.c. and Gossamer.
    
    
    Emily was gone before Dana had her. She couldn't decide wich was worse;
    never knowing Emily or knowing her so fleetingly. Emily didn't know Dana
    was her mother, she didn't know what horrible act had brought her into
    the world. Emily would never know, but Dana would. What was worse?
    Letting her live or letting her die? Dana didn't know, she would never
    know. 
    
    Dana sat in the car next to Mulder, staring at the cross in her hand,
    the sun glinting off of it. Where was she now? What could she have faith
    in? Who could she trust when so many had hurt her? Only one, only
    Mulder, always and forever. Dana stared across the car at her partner,
    finding him deep in thought. He was her rock now. If he wasn't here,
    she'd be in tears, sobbing for a child she never knew. 
    
    What was he thinking? How did he feel when she told him? Was he shocked
    like she was? Or had he known already from gallivanting across the
    country without her? What was going on inside his head? And where did he
    learn his impression of Mr. Potato head? Funny, she never saw him as a
    father before . . . 
    Dana tore herself away from those thoughts, only a few minutes away from
    her brother's house. She was confused enough as it was. Needing to tear
    herself away from her own thoughts, Dana turned the radio up and caught
    the last few words of a Celine Dion song.
    
    <My heart will go on . . . >
    
    Her heart would go on, no ware for the war, but a few battles waged and
    lost. That was life, and death. Now she wanted to hear the whole song,
    not just the end. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment, but it made
    her feel better in some odd way. It purged her soul. Dana drummed her
    fingers on the car door while she waited through the station's jingle. 
    
    Mulder heard Dana turn the radio louder and glanced at her. He was
    worried. Granted, she had shocked and worried him when she told him
    about Emily. Were there more? Could he ever be sure after all he had
    seen? He didn't want to think about it, he just wanted to focus on Dana,
    a job he'd been neglecting for a long time.
    
    He began to chew on his lip, thought trying to swallow him whole again,
    but then he heard the strains of a song beginning. It was a song from a
    CD that had kept them company many a late night, it's lyrics leading
    them into deep, philosophical conversation during stakeouts. It was
    Fiona Apple. It was called The Child is Gone. It would kill Dana. 
    
    His hand shot out to turn the radio off before she heard it, but she
    grabbed his wrist. Their eyes met as a whisper escaped from Dana's
    mouth. 
    
    "No, leave it." Her eyes silently told him that she needed this now,
    that it would make her feel better, and he was no one to judge, no
    matter how odd the request seemed. So, Mulder twined his fingers in her
    own and tried to give her strength. He tried. 
    
    <Darling, give me your absence tonight
    Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
    Let me sink in the silence that echos inside
    And don't bother leaving the light on
    'Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
    >From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
    And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
    A vacancy that just did not belong
    The child is gone
    
    Honey help me out of this mess
    I'm a stranger to myself
    But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
    I don't wanna talk 'cuz there's nothing left to say
    So my
    Darling, give me your absence tonight
    Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
    'Cuz there's no kind of loving that can make this all right
    I'm trying to find a place I belong
    And I suddenly feel like a different person
    >From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
    And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
    As the darkness turns into the dawn
    The child is gone
    The child is gone>  
    
    A stray tear ran down Dana's face as they pulled into Bill's driveway.
    Mulder stopped the car and watched Dana. She just sat there, still
    enough to look dead, and she was. A small piece of Dana had died when
    Emily did. A piece of her faith, her hope, her future, had died with the
    young girl. It would take a long time for those wounds to scab over, but
    they'd never heal. He wanted to try to help her heal them. 
    
    Dana opened the car door and stood, untwining her fingers from his. She
    just stood there, between the car door and the car, looking at the small
    base house, surrounded by carbon copies of itself. The same type of
    house she grew up in, the same type of house she used to imagine raising
    a family in when she was a child . . . 
    
    "Dana?" Mulder's voice was gentle, she could feel him right next to her.
    At some point he had gotten out of the car, but Scully couldn't recall
    when. All she could do was stand there and stare; stare at the life she
    imagined for her self so long ago. 
    
    He could see her shaking. He could see the tears ready to spill over her
    red rimmed eyes. He could see the sadness that oozed from every pore in
    her body. Mulder laid his hand on her shoulder and gently called to her
    again. Then he saw her crumble into his waiting arms.
    
    Mulder felt the wracking sobs as they swept through her and into him. He
    wanted to cry for her, take away the pain. He wanted to at least try.
    But, all he could do was hold her. As she wrapped her arms around his
    waist, he wrapped his around her, keeping her close to him. 
    
    "Why Mulder?" Her voice was catching in her throat, trying to avoid the
    sobs. "Why her, why me, why us?" She clutched an arm back to her body,
    squeezing it between them. "Who gives them power to do this anyway? What
    do they want?" 
    
    Mulder wanted to die seeing her like this. The only thing he wanted more
    was to make them pay. The urge to make each bastard in that smug group
    feel as much pain, loss, and suffering as the woman in his arms had was
    overwhelming. But that would all come in time. Now he had to answer her,
    even if he hated the answer. 
    
    "I don't know, Dana. I don't know." Mulder held her for all he was
    worth, wishing the pain away and praying to a god he didn't think he
    believed in to stop these horrible men and to save her family. 
    
    As they stood entwined next to the car, the lyrics from an all to true
    song could still be heard from the radio.
    
    <You'll never see - the courage I know
    Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
    I'll never glow - the way that you glow
    Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
    
    But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
    The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
    My feelings swell and stretch; I see from grater heights
    I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
    
    You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
    You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
    But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
      
    You'll never touch - these things that I hold
    The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
    You'll never feel the heat of this soul 
    My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you
    
    You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems 
    You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
    But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
    
    You'll never live the life that I live
    I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
    You'll never hear the message I give
    You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
    
    But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
    The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
    My feelings swell and stretch; I see from grater heights
    I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
    
    You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
    I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
    I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
    You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
    But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie>
    
    'No,' Mulder thought, 'No more lies.'
    

**Author's Note:**

> ~~~~~~~~~~  
> Thanks for reading, I'd really, really appreciate feedback, just to know  
> someone read this.
> 
> All of the lyrics were taken from the jacket of TIDAL, The Fiona Apple  
> CD
> 
> I'd like to thank Paula Graves and Jeannine Ackerson for inspiring me  
> with their wonderful fan fiction and for answering my questions on  
> posting.   
> Thanks to Mel, Kristen, Ginny & Ralph for being such great friends and  
> for all their support.


End file.
